The Curse of the Mary Sues
by furvacatta
Summary: Now Rewritten. The world comes crashing down around the crew of the Black Pearl when they encounter a horror much worse than any they have seen before. The dreaded Mary Sue!


**The Curse of the Mary Sues**

_((A/N: Recently I re-read the original version of this story that I wrote oh so many (Okay, two) years ago, and though a few of the jokes and the original premise still made me laugh, the writing style and characterization made me cry. So, to showcase how much I've improved since the first version was written, here is The Curse of the Mary Sues: The Rewrite. Enjoy!_

_I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean. Disney does. I just have the DVD))_

In the middle of the Caribbean Ocean, on a day so warm that birds were being cooked alive in the very skies in which they flew, a ship known as the Black Pearl was sailing though the jewel-blue waters. The crew was feeling merry after a good hearted day of looting, pillaging and general wrongdoing, and had taken to singing as they preformed their various tasks about the ship. The whole ocean surrounding the boat had been inspired by the glee. Dolphins frolicked, several schools of fish swum coordinately through the water, and a few penguins played on geographically impossible icebergs. Captain Jack Sparrow stood at the helm, steering the ship with one hand and eating a baked, still-feathered tropical bird with the other.

A mysterious clap of thunder startled Jack and he pulled away from the half eaten bird carcass, a few colorful feathers still hanging from his lips. He jerked his head toward the source of the noise. Feathers fell from his slightly agape mouth as he stared, petrified in horror. The crew, noticing their captain's mysterious silence, instantly stopped singing. Marty, the short, dwarf member of the crew, tentatively broke himself off from the rest of the crew and walked up to the captain. His tiny voice broke through the lone noise of crashing waves.

"Jack?" Breaking from his trance, Jack flung his arms out towards his sides, sending the midget flying across the deck.

"FULL SPEED AHEAD!" Shouted Jack in an unnaturally high voice. "RUN!"

As chaos began and the crew blindly began to scramble to their duties, Jack ran into his cabin, immerging seconds later, head wrapped halfhazardly in a sheet. Gibbs stumbled through the chaos, trying to reach his friend.

"Jack!" shouted Gibbs, as Jack tried to blindly steer the ship. "What is it that's put you in such a strange mood?" Jack released the wheel and turned to look at his friend. As the ship tipped dangerously to the left and the crew panicked, Jack, still covered with a sheet, blindly handed a brass spyglass to his first mate.

While Jack turned back to the wheel, righting the ship, Gibbs quickly unfolded the spyglass and peered into the distance in the direction of the mysterious thunder.

"Mary, mother of god!"

Despite the greatest efforts of the crew, the ship was slowly pulled in the direction from which the noise had come. The sky had turned a dark shade of purple, and the clouds had turned a dark shade of pink that was found nowhere in nature. The sea was no longer the bright shade of blue that it once was, but was a pale, powdery shade instead. The captain and the first mate both seemed to be on the verge of jumping off the ship, and it wasn't long before the rest of the crew understood why.

Within firing range stood another ship. It was larger than the largest of the Royal Navy's ships, but it was neither that nor the deadly looking canons that stood on the deck that brought fear into the hearts of the crew. It was the flag that hung on the mast that made their blood rum cold.

It could, in the most technical way, be called a Jolly Roger, but it was in no way similar to any other pirate flag they had seen before. The skull and crossbones were cute and cartoonish, with a bright pink bow sitting at a jaunty angle atop the skull. The whole monstrosity lay on a background that was a horrifically drawn picture of a meadow, complete with butterflies and adorable, winking bumblebees. The edges were decorated in paintings of rainbows, puppies, ponies, and various rabbits.

Like most flags, it was not the flag itself that inspired terror, but rather the horrific things it symbolized. Only a few members of the crew knew what the flag symbolized, but all of them felt an odd chill, as though the sun had been blotted out.

As the ship came level with their own, they saw a very odd sight. Captain Jack Sparrow, wielding his sword as if he was facing certain death, walked up to the railing of the ship, an expression of utmost gravity on his chiseled face.

"I won't give them what they want. I don't care; I won't give them what they want." He muttered under his breath as the other ship lowered its gangway and prepared to board the Black Pearl.

Across the plank connecting the ships walked a woman, but she was unlike any other woman any of the crew had ever seen. Her hair was long and platinum blond, falling in soft, perfect waves to an incontinent length just above her ankles. Unnaturally lavender eyes, far too large to be natural, peered out from a face so heavily made up that it would shame even the whores of Tortuga. She wore a white shirt, similar to the shirts the crew wore, except that hers was artfully torn in "All the Right Places", and a pair of lavender trousers tucked into brown boots.

"My name is Candace Lavender. I like for my friends, family, crew, potential love interests, and other ship captains to call me Candy. I am the captain of the Purple Pony, the most feared pirate vessel in the world!" she announced dramatically, stepping up to the captain. Squeaking in a very unthreatening fashion, Jack waved his sword clumsily in the air in front of him. He backed up, horrified, as she began to advance on him. Her once strong expression melted into one of loving tenderness. Her eyes grew to an even bigger size as she fluttered her long eyelashes.

"Alas Jack! You have captured mine heart, and mine ship! We are now at your merc-"

Candace Lavender never got to finish her sentence, for at that moment a dark shape fell from the sky straight onto the head of the female pirate captain and squished her instantly. The crew's cries of joy were silenced by Gibbs, who had noticed the peculiar look on Jack's face as he stared at the black object that had fallen from the sky.

The Black Thing straightened up, revealing itself to be another woman, this one very different from the last. She was dressed entirely in black, with fishnet stockings covering her legs. Her hair was black and pink and very shiny. Her makeup was thicker than the last woman's, and her eyelashes were so covered in black gunk that her crystal blue eyes could barely be seen behind them. Large black combat boots covered her feet.

She ran her hands daintily over her clothes, smoothing out any wrinkles. Reaching into the front of her low-cut shirt, she pulled out a small mirror and started to fix her makeup. The inhabitants of the Black Pearl looked on open mouthed.

When she finally looked up, she saw Jack. Her mouth fell open and her hands started to move in rapid, senseless motions.

"Oh my god! Oh my god! You're Johnny Depp!" she squealed, falling into high pitched giggles. Jack, regaining his composure, pointed the tip of his sword to the girl's throat. Turning, he addressed Gibbs.

"Have you heard of any 'Johnny Depp'?" Gibbs shook his head, shrugging.

"Oh. My. God. You've never heard of Johnny Depp? What's that?" She had finally noticed the sword at her neck. She glanced around nervously. "Wait? Why are we on a ship? Wait. Oh. My. God. I can't believe it! I'm on the Black Pearl! I'm in Pirates of the Carribean!" Turning her eyes to Jack she gasped again. "That mean's you're Jack Sparrow! That's so totally cool cause he so hot and ooh." She wrinkled her perfect nose. "You stink. But that's okay. When we're in love you'll learn to take lots of baths. And we'll live happily ever after on an island and-"

Jack, fed up with the girl's endless chattering and comments on his hygiene, smacked her in the back of the head with the flat edge of his sword. Falling off balance, she toppled of the edge of the ship and into the water with a "Splash". The girl flailed in the water for a second but soon fell unconscious, her body only being kept afloat in the sea by her inflatable bra.

"What was that?" asked a small, timid voice from amongst the crowd. Jack turned from where he stood looking, horrified, into the water to look for the source of the voice. His eyes fell upon a small, shaking boy standing in the center of the crowd.

"That my boy," he slurred, sliding his sword back into its sheath. "Was a Mary-Sue." From his place behind the captain, Gibbs gave a confirming nod. "They're women, but like no women you've ever heard of before. They know nothing about the ways of the world, and they chase men shamelessly, without mercy. They turn even the strongest willed into romantic fools."

"They seem to have a certain taste for our captain here," Added Gibbs, placing a comforting hand on Jack's shoulder. "He's had to avoid them constantly ever since he got the ship back."

"Normally, I would love having thousands of willing women." Jack looked to the crowd, many of whom were nodding and muttering sentiments of agreement. "But these," he continued, lowering his voice to a whisper. "Are barely human." He turned to Gibbs, suddenly returning to his normal, cheery self.

"Do something with the body. Everyone back to their positions, I'm going to try to get us out of this hell hole."

As the crew started to return to their normal positions, they suddenly heard another loud noise. The door to the lower decks had suddenly sprung open. Another young woman leapt out. This one was dressed in a long, elaborately trimmed dress and had pale, porcelain skin. Her long, chocolate brown hair was swept up in an elegant bun on top of her head.

"Oh Jack!" she cried. "I, Moonlight Noblewoman, have run away from my life of privilege to be a pirate on your ship! We will fall in love and get married and live happily ever aft-"

A gunshot pierced the air and Moonlight Noblewoman fell back dead. Jack shoved the pistol into the belt of his trousers and started to stalk off to his quarters.

"I'm going to go find some rum…"


End file.
